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Crown court, a reasonably high profile case that has dragged on because the main defendant is a "self made businessman" (read career criminal). There is also an alleged assault by a member of the support unit who performed the arrest. The officers are upstairs in the canteen having lunch, one says to the other "Oi basher, pass the salt" an innocent comment to most but the defence barrister sat on a nearby table. Cue the return to court and its the officer "known" as "basher" in the box being cross examined. The transcript would look something like this:

QC: Officer what is your nickname and how did you come to be named this?

PC: I see of no relevance to this question and do not wish to answer your honour.

QC: Are you refusing to answer the question, I see plenty of relevance, you are under oath and present as a police officer!

PC: Your honour not wishing to be disrespectful to your court or the crown I do not wish to answer the question I beleive it is of no relevance.

JUDGE: Clear the court I wish to speak with the officer and defence in private.

The courtroom is cleared, the jury, the press everyone.

JUDGE: Officer, the question will be answered as it is being asked in a relevant light, if you refuse to do so then I will take the matter further. The question WILL be answered.

PC: I meant no disrespect your honour, I just dont see the relevance, but I will honour your wishes.

JUDGE: Thank you officer.

Court then re-starts all the jury etc return, the defence QC is stood rather smugly getting ready to once more ask the question, he notices the officer give him a smirk.

The following conversation takes place:

QC: Officer answer this question as directed by the judge, remember you are under oath. What is your nick name and how did you come to be named this?

PC: Your honour, jury, I stated that I saw no relevance of this question, but I have been directed to answer this so answer I will. My nick name is.......DONKEY DICK, however, I am not sure how you want me to prove it in a crown court!.

At this point the officer winks at the QC, the QC's head drops, the Jury, Prosecution, the defendant, witness' and yes the JUDGE himself all crack up laughing. The QC had had his shorts well and truly yanked down by the arrest team and he knew it.....

Andy Cheese GMP

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