Cops Capers

Maurice Tidmarsh (Tiddy)

I'm looking at this web site now for the purpose of relieving my guilty concience of all those various things that I did under the excuse of doing my duty which, in this day and age, would have certaintly earned my the sack or deservedly spending a long time in the local 'pokey'!

It was a Sunday and I was on duty on my motor-cycle patrolling the streets of Leicester....Sunday's were special!....a day without the stress of all that traffic and the normal day to day routines of road traffic accidents. A day when, if the weather was pleasant, you could venture into realms which in the normal weekdays you wouldn't dream of and you could test your biking talents to the extreme. In those days the biking fraternity looked on in admiration at us 'bike cops' and would venture out without malice aforethought to pit their wits against us chancing the fact that they drove without licences and insurance on clapped out machines which would have been better off in the scrap yard. Of course there weren't any computers and stuff on our bikes and the radios frequently malfunctioned especially when one got a little bit careless with the hose pipe when cleaning the machines after our tours of duty which practically guaranteed that control nearly gave up on contacting us for those trivial little things which involved spending time using our blunt pencils and pocket books and time off the road writing reports back at the station. Anyway this particular day was fine and sunny and it just felt good to be alive! About mid-morning my radio did break into life (Damn! Couldn't have used enough water!!!!), and I was instructed to attend a football match taking place on Victoria Park where two local sides were playing. One of the teams was called SAPNA which comprised all of our Asian friends and another team which were of the white variety. It seems there had been some disagreement between them and things had got slightly out of hand. I quickly made my way to the Park using my two toned horns and with extreme skill avoiding all those others who lawfully went about their business whilst I myself broke every Road Traffic Regulation in the process. Within minutes I arrived at the scene. Well the picture in front of me took some taking in! There were at least four prone figures laying on the grass sporting various injuries and many spectators and officials were engaged in fisticuffs and the air was blue with bad language. Not that I understood what the Asian lads were saying but their demeaner explained it all! Non deterred I set about sorting things out. I drove my bike across the grass into the centre of the pitch and with a mixture of planning, whilst trying to maintain my dignity, managed to lay the thing down on its side sliding deftly off the saddle similar to Roy Rogers dismouting from Trigger! I then began assurting myself making it quite clear that things had got to stop and that I was now in charge. After a few minutes I did manage to make my presence felt and things calmed down and I began to take note of the various greivances that one team held against the other. They just hated one another's guts and from the start whistle the match had been one long event of various fouls and misdomeaners one against the other until the referee and linesmen lost control completely and couldn't keep them apart. The teams had then resorted to fisticuffs and well studded football boots including using the corner flags as weapons! Unfortunately one of the players had a rather bad cut on his torso and had to have an ambulance summoned to take him to the hospital. The suggestion was that a knife had been used but by whom no-one knew. Now have you ever tried to question two football teams, a referee and two linesmen along with countless spectators in the middle of a park and hoped to come up with a result? Me neither! So I promptly decided there was only one course of action and I got on my radio to summon the General Purpose Vans of which there were two on duty to the park. The promptly arrived with their sirens on and headlights blazing and careered to a halt on the park. My instructions to the crew were clear. I was arresting the whole bloody lot of them along with the referee on suspicion of somebody causing grevious bodily harm to the poor unfortunate who was by now being stiched up at the Royal Infirmary. The lads in the vans, Gawd Bless 'em!, did as I required and within a few minutes twenty two players, about six spectators and the referee were loaded on board and on their way to Charles Street Police Station. I followed behind to draw up in the Station Yard behind the vans. Out they all got and solemnly stomped into the charge office one behind the other. The charge sergeant nearly had appoplexy and quickly beckoned to me. "What the bloody hell have you done this time!" or words to this effect he asked. I gathered my courage and told him that I had arrested them all on suspicion of committing the felony that had occurred on the park. The poor chap was beside himself which is quite understandable when Sundays at the Central nick were normally a day of tea and biscuits with the odd visit from the general public reported a lost dog or some found property! He then had to find somewhere to park all those prisoners! The poor chap was beside himself telling the reserve man to accomodate them wherever a space could be found! Charles Street nick was built in the 1930's and had a very limited cell space. But a comprimise was reached and with about six to a cell and by utilising the women's block as well all 29 miscreants were housed safetly. Then all of them had to be searched of course and bobbies were brought in off the streets to carry out the task. Eventually a knife was in fact discovered in the pocket of one of the Sapna lads. It was a very small knife indeed. Tiny, you know the type, one of those ideal for manicuring one's nails or sharpening a pencil. But it was a knife! By now the incident had reached the ears of the duty inspector who despite all of my best efforts did not seem particularly impressed with my dilligence to duty. The look he gave me spoke volumes! But being a man of integrity and fair play he decided that the whole scenerio was beyond his capabilities and duly contacted the nearest Chief Inspector at the place that Chief Inspectors go to on a quiet Autumnal day. He attended after a while and despite the fact that our swords had crossed on numerous occasions concerning events that make all the difference between constables and Chief Inspectors he duly listened to what I had to say before he sadly shook his head obviously way out of his depth. So like every Chief Inspector lacking an answer to a problem he duly summoned the Superintendent who was no doubt engaged in the normal things that Superintendents do when engaged on duty on Sundays! About half and hour elapsed before he too duly attended and surveyed the situation. There was no doubt about it he wasn't a bit impressed with me and not really knowing what the Hell he should do with twenty nine prisoners dutifully decided to summon the Chief Constable! I'm sure the Chief Constable had better things to do on a Sunday but I'll give him his due he turned up as well!!!! Now the charge sergeant, the duty Inspector, the Chief Inspector, the Superintendent and the Chief Constable all huddled together into a kind of rugby scrum in the Charge Office and sought a solution. I was called for and placed in the centre of the ruck answering their various questions they fired at me. I told them that my ability to question two football teams, many spectators, two linesmen and a referee in the middle of a park was limited so my decision to arrest the lot on suspicion was justified! They then went back to their discussion without me. Most of the afternoon was spent in limbo but with twenty-nine prisoners needing the toilet and the threat of such a large number of meals having to be ordered from the local restuarant a decision had to be quickly arrived at. Again I was summoned into presence of my superiors, (How I hate that word!), The Chief Constable spoke and we all listened! The result was that all the prisoners were spoken to en mass about their behaviour at the football match and allowed to leave. To this day the event is remembered in the annals of Charles Street Police Station when 'Tiddy' arrested two football teams, six spectators and a referee and two linesmen on suspicion!