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#1 Maverick22

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Posted 02 March 2009 - 11:56 PM

Mac
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#2 Girl*Next*Door

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Posted 03 March 2009 - 12:18 AM


LOL LOL.

Have to say though, things could be worse. We could indeed have Mugabe as a leader so I'm very thankful I'm not a citizen of Africa. Pinch

I am always very well behaved. Whatever the behaviour is, I do it very well!

#3 Maverick22

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Posted 03 March 2009 - 01:46 PM

GND, Mugabe couldn't make a much worse job of the economy as Gollum and Darling have done.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#4 Graham

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 04:41 PM

I hear that "quantitative easing" is the latest buzz-term in banking circles. It's the feeling directors & traders get in their guts when they see the price of their shares falling.
We all make mistakes. Even monkeys fall out of trees... but often only after they've tried scratching their butts with both hands.

#5 Maverick22

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 08:04 PM

How do you keep blonde Essex Girl busy for hours.
 

Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#6 Muffy

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Posted 09 July 2009 - 05:00 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?
You do not have to say anything...

#7 Maverick22

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Posted 11 July 2009 - 11:03 AM

An old biker rides into a small village in North Wales, parks his cycle by the entrance and walks into the bar.  He sees a sign hanging on a peg wich says, Ham Sandwich £2, Chicken Sandwich £3-50, Cheeseburger £4-00, Hand Job £50.  He looks in his wallet to see if he has sufficent money and walks up to the bar where the young, busty, gorgeous barmaid is standing.  She says ''Can I help you old timer'', he says, ''Are you the barmaid that gives the hand Job'', she replied, ''I sure am'', he says, ''Well wash your hands real good, I want a Cheeseburger''.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#8 Maverick22

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Posted 12 July 2009 - 08:26 PM

A farmer purchased a Bull at the local market with money he had loaned from his bank.   He took the Bull home but all it did was eat grass and sleep and never went near any of the cows. The Bank manager called on the farmer to see how the Banks investment was going.  The farmer tells the manager that all the Bull does is eat grass and sleep. The  manager suggests he call the Vet to have a look at the Bull.  The Vet duly checks the bull over and gives the farmer some medication.   The Bank manager calls back a week later and asks how his investment is going and did he call the Vet.  The farmer tells him, the Bull went mad, serviced all his cows three times, broke through the fence and serviced his neighbours cows three times and had to be dragged off as it was keen to start over again. The Banker says, ''What did the vet give the Bull'', the farmer replies, ''Some pills'', the Banker asks, ''What were they'', the farmer replied, ''I don't know, but they tasted like chocolate''.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#9 Maverick22

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 07:16 AM

Mother asks 5 year old daughter what she would like for her birthday.  The little girl says, ''Some clothes for those ladies on Daddy's computer that don't have any''.  Nothing like your kids dropping you in it.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#10 Maverick22

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Posted 24 July 2009 - 03:03 PM

Once there were two brothers. The oldest one was very mischievous and naughty, the other was always well behaved.   The oldest one never helped his Mother and Father, was rude, failed at school, got married three times, drank very heavily,  was a serial adulterer, the younger one always helped around the house, was polite, did well at school and went to Uni, was a devoted husband and loved his children.  The older brother died suddenley in his early forties.   The younger brother died some 20 years later and went to heaven where he led a quiet existance. God spoke to him one day and asked how he was, he said he was fine and enjoyed being in heaven, but told God that he had not seen his brother since being here. God told him that his elder brother had led a bad life and had been sent elsewhere, to repent if that was possible. He asked God if he could see his brother to which God said he could.  He looked at a glass screen and saw his brother sitting on a bench with a beer keg on one side and a glamourous blonde on the other side.  The younger brother told God that it was ratherunfair that his brother had all he wanted. God replied, ''The beer keg has a hole in it, the blonde DOESN'T''. Maverick222009-07-24 15:04:21
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#11 Maverick22

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Posted 28 July 2009 - 07:52 AM

An old Vicar was in Hospital dying from an incurable illness.  He had been in there three weeks and had no visitors.  The nurse asked him if he had any relatives or friends who would visit him, he told them he had no relatives and being  in his 80's all his friends were dead.  She felt sorry for him and asked if there was anyone he would like to be with him when he died, he replied, ''Yes, Tonly Blair and Gordon Brown''.  The nurse contacted Downing Street and explained the Vicars plight.  Sure enough Blair and Brown arrived at his bedside and stood either side of his bed. The nurse asked him why he wanted Blair and Brown, with his dying breath the Vicar said, ''I wanted to die like Jesus with a thief on one side of me and a rogue on the other''.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#12 Maverick22

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Posted 28 July 2009 - 07:00 PM

The Iranian Ambassador was visiting the USA to meet with his counterpart.  At the end of the meeting President Obama appeared to shake hands with the Ambassador.  The Iranian told the President that he had enjoyed his time in the USA, and could he answer one question. The President told him to ask away. The Ambassador said, ''My  son loves that 'Star Trek' program,  you have Chekov, a Russian, Scotty a Scotsman, Uhura who is black, Sulu who is a Jap, but you have no Muslims, Iraqis, or Lebanese in the show'', the President replies, ''Thats because it's all about the future''. Maverick222009-07-28 19:29:00
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#13 Maverick22

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Posted 28 July 2009 - 07:27 PM

A solicitor was driving along a country lane in his Rolls Royce. He saw a man sitting at the side of the road eating grass. The solicitor stopped and asked the man why he was eating grass, he replied ''Because I am very poor and have no money for food''. The Solicitor said, ''You poor man, get in my car and I will take you to my home'', the man said, ''But my wife and six children are over there'', the Solictor said, ''Tell them to get in the car as well''.  The Solicitor drives off and the man says ''You are very kind, why are you helping us'', the Solicitor replied, ''You will love it at my place, the grass is over a foot long''.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#14 exflic

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Posted 28 July 2009 - 09:35 PM

Three mid eastern women were talking in a bazaar, the first pulled out a photo and said "This is my son Mohammed, he would have been 24, but decided to be a martyr"
"Yes " said the second one "So did my son Amed, he chose martyrdom at 21"

The third woman said"You remember my youngest, Khalid, he  too became a martyr and he was only 18"

The first women looked at her photo again and said "Modern kids, they blow up so fast"

Four wheels move your body, but two wheels move your soul

#15 Maverick22

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Posted 28 July 2009 - 11:52 PM

A group for male friends were talking about going on a fishing trip the next day, as it was Saturday. Fred asked his wife if he could go, she replied, ''No, I have jobs for you to do''. They all took the mickey, but  decided to go without him.  When the group arrived at the Camp Site, by the lake, Fred was already there with his tent set up, his rod and line set up, and a few cans of beer by his side.  They were all surprised to see Fred and asked him how he had managed to get away for the fishing trip.  ''Well '' said Fred, ''I was sitting watching TV, when my wife stepped infront of me wearing this see through negligee and said, ''Take me to the bed room and tie me to the bed, and do what ever  you want''. Fred said, ''So here I am''.
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#16 Maverick22

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Posted 29 July 2009 - 09:10 PM

Gordon 'Gollum' Brown decided to throw in the towel and resign, he had had enough of the critics about his poor leadership.  A senior civil servant thought that it would be a good idea to name a train after Gordon.  he went to the National Railway Museum at York and asked the Curator if they had a train that could be named after Gordon. The Curator told the Civil Servant that they only had an old freight train without a name, but that would not be becoming of the ex PM. The Civil Servant pointed to 4472, LNER, Flying Scotsman, and said, we could name that after Gordon, just paint over or delete the letter F. Maverick222009-07-29 23:25:20
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#17 Maverick22

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Posted 31 July 2009 - 09:54 PM

A drunk was staggering through some bushes when he came to a river, fifteen feet out was a Priest who was baptising people by dunking them in the water. The drunk staggered into the water and approached the Priest, who caught hold of him and dunked him in the water, when he came up the Priest said, ''Have you found Jesus'', the drunk replied, ''No''. The Priest dunked the drunk again and when he came up the Priest said, ''Have you now found Jesus'', the drunk replied, ''No'', the Priest was getting croass and dunked the man for two minutes, when he came up the Priest shouted, ''Have you found Jesus'', the drunk replied, ''No, are you sure this is where he fell in ''Maverick222009-08-05 10:26:44
There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#18 Maverick22

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Posted 12 August 2009 - 07:37 PM

A Biker arrived at the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St Peter.
Peter asked the Biker if ha had done anything of note to enable entrance to heaven.

The Biker told Peter that while riding to Weston Park he came across a gang of hells Angels pestering a young female.  He walked up to the biggest and smacked him in the mouth, as he fell he Kneed him in the groin, then pulled the ring out of his nose and told the Hells Angel that if they pestered the female again he would kick the sh*t out of him.  He then pushed all their bikes over causing considerable damage.

St Peter was very impressed, ''When did this happen'' he asked.  The Biker replied, ''About two minutes ago''.

There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#19 Maverick22

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Posted 12 August 2009 - 08:58 PM

Paddy purchased a Donkey at a Horse Fair.
It was proving very expensive to feed, so he trained it to live without food, just as he got it trained, it died.

There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.

#20 Maverick22

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Posted 14 August 2009 - 12:07 AM

A man took his dog to the vet.
The Vet asked the man what was the matter.

The man said, ''There are strange noises coming from my dogs arsehole''

The Vet listened and could hear the sound of someone singing Waltzing Matilda.

The Vet says, ''There is nothing to worry about, lots of arseholes sing Waltzing Matilda''.

There are certain people in the world who you know will only ever have two certificates in their lives, a Birth and Death Certificate.





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